In recognition of International Women’s Day on March 8, we are honored to shine our spotlight on Joan Merlo, LCSW, FSG Staff Therapist, and highlight the inspiring work she does empowering women through her counseling at FSG.

Joan has been on staff at FSG since 2000, along with maintaining her personal practice as a social worker for the past 33 years.  Joan earned her MSW from Loyola University School of Social Work, where she has also served as a field instructor training social work interns.  Along with her counseling practice at FSG, she also facilitates our Vibrant Living Senior Discussion Group, which meets monthly.

Along with being a general social work practitioner with men, women, and children, Joan has a special interest and background in working with women as they address periods of change and challenge in their lives and relationships, including marital, parenting, and work struggles. Her approach is relational and collaborative and is grounded not only in her education and years of professional work but also very much in her personal life journey and her experience as a mother of three adult children and grandmother of seven.

Joan emphasizes the need for women to prioritize self-awareness and self-care as essential for their own personal growth and fulfillment and as the necessary foundational “first step” in being able to mindfully and wholeheartedly care for all others.

Empowering Women in Relationships, by Joan Merlo, LCSW

As a psychotherapist for over thirty years, one of the areas of my work closest to my heart is that of partnering with female clients to facilitate their growth in self-awareness, self-understanding, and self-empathy. These are fundamental elements necessary to becoming more empowered, self-determined, and authentic in all of our relationships, yet I know well from my own life journey and my years of training and experience how easy it is for women to overlook and neglect our own essential needs by becoming over-extended in caring for others.  Many of the women I work with struggle mightily to balance the demands of their myriad and competing roles, such as busy “supermom,” loving partner/spouse or single mother, devoted daughter to aging parents, supportive friend, and collaborative colleague at work, to name a few. My clients come to therapy often feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, burned out, and guilty, sensing that in spite of all they do, something is missing. It is often both surprising and healing for them to begin to understand that what is missing is not that they haven’t done enough for others but rather they have forgotten to nurture and prioritize their most important relationship: the one with themselves! To begin to address this, they need to learn to first center in their own body, mind, and spirit as the foundation for being able to mindfully care for anyone else. It takes awareness, insight, intentionality, and empathic support to confront one’s part in participating in dysfunctional patterns of relating, to make the decision to change, and to develop the courage and sense of agency to follow through.

 

The following are some steps to help begin that process:

 

1. Schedule yourself to take several 15 or 20 minute breaks every day to do some deep breathing and self-reflection, centering mindfully in your thoughts and feelings.
2. Take your needs and personal goals seriously and make them a priority. Journal about them and/or discuss them with someone you trust as steps toward finding your “voice” and communicating more effectively.
3. Pay attention to your feelings of stress, anxiety, and depression as messages, not that you are deficient, but that you need to attend to something which affects your well-being.
4. Be aware of and take care of your physical needs, such as eating well, exercising, and getting enough sleep.
5. Learn and practice the fine art of saying ”No” or “Let me think about that and get back to you” before committing your precious time and energy to requests for your help.
6. Learn to delegate and share in tasks at home and work, rather than over-functioning, asserting that only you can do things perfectly.
7. Identify life-giving and empowering relationships and activities, including therapy (if needed), and choose to spend time in ways which lift you up and support you.

 

Joan is currently accepting new clients.  For more information or to schedule an appointment, please call (847) 835-5111.

In the course of my work as a therapist, I’ve had the opportunity to witness the multitude of ways people can show up for one another, especially within a family. I’m often reminded of one of my mom’s favorite adages: “parenting doesn’t come with a manual.” Each of us simply does our best to navigate the wonderful complexities that accompany parenthood with the tools we have available. Just as we may not always know what our crying newborn needs to be soothed, it’s not always clear how to support your child in exactly the way they need. For families with gender expansive or queer kids, that can sometimes feel like an even more nebulous challenge. The good news, however, is research indicates that the single most important thing parents can do for their child, regardless of their gender expression or sexual identity, is allow them to be exactly who they are. Recognizing that this may be simpler in theory than practice and will likely look different across families, here are a few practices you can utilize to create an atmosphere of support for the gender expansive or queer youth in your life:

 

• Don’t make parenting decisions from a place of fear. Instead, take steps to explore and confront your own anxieties about your child’s identity. Reflect on opportunities for you to demonstrate acceptance rather than a wish to change – even when it comes from a place of love or protection.
• Embrace the fluidity and dynamism that often accompanies exploration of sexual identity or gender expression. Recognizing that this is likely an ongoing process, and allowing our kids the freedom to not fit neatly into any category while they’re learning about themselves is an invaluable way to meet them where they are.
• Require respect for your child’s identity with immediate and extended family members. Unfortunately, we don’t always have the power to change people’s opinions or beliefs, but we can set clear boundaries and expectations for the way they interact and communicate with our children. Being intentional about cultivating an atmosphere of security and support at home promotes resilience and emotional well-being for your child.

For me, Pride month has always served as a joyful reminder that there are so many different ways to love. Loving our children feels easy, but sometimes knowing how to help them can be challenging. Family Service of Glencoe is available to assist families in learning how to best support one another. We have therapists experienced in providing affirming clinical care for children, teens, young adults, and their families. Contact us through our website at www.familyserviceofglencoe.org, or call us at 847-835-5111 for consultation, resources, and/or counseling services.

This article is adapted by Tara Bagnola, LCSW, FSG Staff Therapist, from Gender Spectrum’s Supportive Parenting guide. Additional resources can be found at https://genderspectrum.org/articles/supportive-parenting

Forming a healthy relationship with food takes conscious effort, but it is possible. This relationship includes relaxed eating, choosing preferences over positions, and practicing balance and flexibility in your eating. These principles will let you feel more at peace with food, as well as help you recognize and stop unhealthy habits.

Relaxed eating is the ability to be at ease with the social, emotional and physical components of food and eating. Relaxed eating is attuned to the body’s hungers and intuitively provides for its needs. It is the ability to listen and satisfy your hunger allowing for pleasurable and whimsical eating with flexibility and the absence of remorse. It allows you to eat when you are hungry and stop when you are satisfied. It affords you the choice of eating more or less differently than usual without judgement, punishment or the need to compensate.

Not every preference fits every situation, and it would be inappropriate to not change your decisions when you’re in a different environment or circumstance. Food exists by the same rules. Of course, it’s natural to have a favorite dessert or restaurant. But if specific foods become your only options, your mindset might be one of obsession. Rigid habits, such as only eating certain foods, can quickly turn your preferences into positions and leave you stuck. “Positions” refers to inflexible spots where you feel you have no other choice but to do what you’ve created as a habit. Instead, eating should be a balanced activity that is neither the best nor the worst part of a day. You should enjoy the foods you consume but not worship them. Flexibility, exhibited through the willingness to forego a preference temporarily, is an essential aspect of a healthy relationship with food. Preferences need to remain just that, and not become an unflinching regimen.

The phrase “everything in moderation” is highly applicable–there is in fact a place for everything in your eating. In addition to variation in type of food, balance indicates an ability to eat both for pleasure and for hunger. Both types of eating are extremely important for your health. Eating for hunger is great because it nourishes your body and helps keep things running the way they should be. Ignoring hunger cues is a dangerous habit that can lead to more disordered eating patterns and health consequences. Eating for pleasure is just as important as eating for hunger because, well, it’s pleasurable! Some foods just taste good.

Flexibility is another key aspect of a healthy relationship with food. It refers to the absence of strict rules surrounding eating and food habits. Rather, there is more of an ability to “go with the flow” and accept deviations from preferred foods as a natural part of life, instead of viewing those deviations as a judgment of yourself or your worth.

If you or someone you love struggles with having an unhealthy relationship with food, please contact FSG at (847)-835-5111 for a free and confidential conversation with a trained clinician. Available now!